Eric Stapleton walks onto stage in Burger King-esque type get-up with headset on.
ERIC:
Welcome to Mosaic, how would you like your church today?
(pause for response)
A quad mocha with extra whipped cream? I'm sorry, Starbuck's is just a few blocks that way.
Eric points to a location where Starbuck's might be.
This is Mosaic, it's a church.
(pause)
Oh, you knew that already, well, this isn't like that other church with the barista and everything. But we can probably get you some coffee.
(to audience)
Art, we got some coffee today?
(pause, then back into headset)
Yeah we got some Sanka and some Folgers or something. Now, for the rest of your order, how would you like your church?
(pause)
Yeah, unh hmm. What kind of worship do we offer? Well, I don't always know the answer to that question. I'm kinda new here myself. Some of the people here have their devotional time, trying to bear the fruit of the Spirit in their day to day life. Others of us just workin' it out with fear and trembling--
(pause)
You mean music? What kind of music we offer. I see. What's that?
(pause)
Contemporary, traditional, warm and fuzzy feel good lift me up praise choruses.
(pause, Eric writes down some notes)
.
Right. Now what kind of contemporary? We talking '70's Jesus people contemporary? Or--
(pause)
Oh, just no satanic rhythmic rock type jungle music. OK. Maybe your preference would be 'conditional' worship music. Yeah, that's combo of contemporary and traditional, but no hard edges.
(pause...Eric writes down some more notes.)
Whip cream, no extra charge. Next, sermons. Content driven, style driven, expositional or topical? Sermons geared to the attention span of a gnat?
(pause)
Got it. Power point, fill in notes? 'K.
(pause)
Youth ministry? Let's see, we got dynamic, non-dynamic, fun centered, non-fun centered, or baby-sitting.
(pause)
OK, got it, pull through to the next window. Remember, satisfaction guaranteed or your tithe is refunded.
(Eric looks out at audience.)
Next. Welcome to Mosaic, how would you like your church today? Please take your order forms and fill them out. Seriously, fill them out. Later on John'll tell you what to do with them. Go ahead and put down all your preferences for church. We’ll give you a few minutes.